Statue of Liberty Biggest Whore in Nation.

Why don’t they ever look me in the eyes?

Yesterday brought forth the exciting new iPhone app WhoreRatio where men across the country can rate the women they’ve dated in their lives and view potential hookups. The more men the woman has “hooked up with,” the higher her Whore-Ratio will be. Of course it’s of no surprise that among the top three are my ex-girlfriend and Paris Hilton, but the one with the highest Whore-Ratio of all is in fact The Statue of Liberty.

After a century plus of opening up to impoverished men (and women…and children), the Statue of Liberty is sure to have caught something by now. This would explain the change in her complexion and color over the years, and why she is always pushing people away to “fix” herself.

“She used to have such bronze skin. Now she looks sickly pale and green,” said Arizona native Pat.

“After seeing her ratio was 76,” (the scale only goes up to 10 by the way); “I thought, Hey, what the hell, she can’t be that bad? But its long distance and I know it would never work if she keeps letting shitty people influence her life.”

Pat is right as the Statue of Liberty’s apartment isn’t far from Wall Street and who knows what kind of American psycho’s she may be bringing home each night.

WhoreRatio comes in response the very controversial iPhone app known as Lulu, released just a few months ago. With a proper Facebook account, women from across the country found a place to start gossiping on a digital realm about the privy parts of the shallow personalities of the men in their lives. Any woman can login with a valid Facebook account and start posting comments and ratings about the relationship and encounters with men, as well as view other women’s responses. In order to access the account or post anything though, your account must state your gender is female, making it very hard for men to create fake accounts in order to view their own scores.

Just last week though, in an effort to not single out fellas sweating over their pathetic packages, Lulu released LuluDude so men everywhere could check their scores and try to improve upon them if they so wished. It has been shown though that women are more likely to change their image regarding their Whore-Ratio to better themselves, whereas men have been known to just call her a whore any time she says something bad about him.

With so many bad things to say about the men who run this country, it’s no surprise The Statue of Liberty is the biggest whore of them all.

Operation: We’re Going to Bang You.

Freedom Mother Fucker!

Today U.S. Military instillation’s are preparing for the largest attack ever reported. Sources state that a global offensive with joint cooperation from multiple agencies willing to chip in beer money, but mostly headed by the NSA, will be launch on July 3rd at exactly 11:59 pm. From the halls of bases in central Europe, to the shores of the Persian Gulf, mobile rocket launch systems are being prepared for the largest artillery raid of fireworks that nations across the world will have ever seen. Skies across the world will light up from Fourth of July Freedom Fireworks.

“We’re calling this Operation We’re Going to Bang the Shit Out of You, and we’re lighting the skies up with freedom,” stated Four Star General Keith B. Alexander, director of the National Security Agency. “We’re hoping to send the world into a euphoric, orgasmic frenzy as we light up the skies with freedom fireworks in celebration of our nations Independence Day.”

Rather than apologize to the American people for overlooking basic privacy rights, invading social media networks and collecting cell phone data in a propaganda fueled hunt for terrorists and control, Alexander and his agency have decided to show the world that we still know how to party. The assumption is that if U.S. armed forces “get it retarded up in here” then everyone will forget about General Alexander for being such a dick a few weeks ago.

“We fear nations across the world will potentially attack the U.S. cyber security systems and possibly cause a national catastrophe that would distract from Kardashian family breaking news. They happen to be a main contributor of gossip at patriotic barbecues,” states Gen. Alexander. “We have attacked Iranian nuclear plants with physically damaging malware and we’re afraid they will attempt to pathetically use technologies we already sold them against us.”

Militant officials plans are to “woo” foreign nations with a marvelous fireworks display that’s borderlines romantic, while feeding you beers all day on an empty stomach so they can lay you down and touch your private parts.

Many Americans believe that rather than addressing the issues regarding national security and individual privacy rights, the population assumes that if we can party hard with the world while pulling off the most orgasmic fireworks display this side of Disney, then perhaps we won’t have to worry about any national threats because they’ll be too scared we won’t invite them back next year.

Meanwhile on the front lines, military personnel are setting up grills and putting on the highest U.V. protecting sunglasses available in preparation for the world’s largest wiener roast. While waiting in line for spicy brown mustard, we asked an Iraqi citizen if he was excited for the fireworks show tonight. We couldn’t understand a single word he was saying and assumed he was condemning us to a Jihad. So we shot a few firework at him, baptizing him in freedom trails of potassium nitrate. He went out with a bang and so will our rights but we’re not too worried if the NSA doesn’t call us back. They’ll see in our text messages to our girlfriends how small they were compared to last year’s hookup in Cozumel.