Operation: We’re Going to Bang You.

Freedom Mother Fucker!

Today U.S. Military instillation’s are preparing for the largest attack ever reported. Sources state that a global offensive with joint cooperation from multiple agencies willing to chip in beer money, but mostly headed by the NSA, will be launch on July 3rd at exactly 11:59 pm. From the halls of bases in central Europe, to the shores of the Persian Gulf, mobile rocket launch systems are being prepared for the largest artillery raid of fireworks that nations across the world will have ever seen. Skies across the world will light up from Fourth of July Freedom Fireworks.

“We’re calling this Operation We’re Going to Bang the Shit Out of You, and we’re lighting the skies up with freedom,” stated Four Star General Keith B. Alexander, director of the National Security Agency. “We’re hoping to send the world into a euphoric, orgasmic frenzy as we light up the skies with freedom fireworks in celebration of our nations Independence Day.”

Rather than apologize to the American people for overlooking basic privacy rights, invading social media networks and collecting cell phone data in a propaganda fueled hunt for terrorists and control, Alexander and his agency have decided to show the world that we still know how to party. The assumption is that if U.S. armed forces “get it retarded up in here” then everyone will forget about General Alexander for being such a dick a few weeks ago.

“We fear nations across the world will potentially attack the U.S. cyber security systems and possibly cause a national catastrophe that would distract from Kardashian family breaking news. They happen to be a main contributor of gossip at patriotic barbecues,” states Gen. Alexander. “We have attacked Iranian nuclear plants with physically damaging malware and we’re afraid they will attempt to pathetically use technologies we already sold them against us.”

Militant officials plans are to “woo” foreign nations with a marvelous fireworks display that’s borderlines romantic, while feeding you beers all day on an empty stomach so they can lay you down and touch your private parts.

Many Americans believe that rather than addressing the issues regarding national security and individual privacy rights, the population assumes that if we can party hard with the world while pulling off the most orgasmic fireworks display this side of Disney, then perhaps we won’t have to worry about any national threats because they’ll be too scared we won’t invite them back next year.

Meanwhile on the front lines, military personnel are setting up grills and putting on the highest U.V. protecting sunglasses available in preparation for the world’s largest wiener roast. While waiting in line for spicy brown mustard, we asked an Iraqi citizen if he was excited for the fireworks show tonight. We couldn’t understand a single word he was saying and assumed he was condemning us to a Jihad. So we shot a few firework at him, baptizing him in freedom trails of potassium nitrate. He went out with a bang and so will our rights but we’re not too worried if the NSA doesn’t call us back. They’ll see in our text messages to our girlfriends how small they were compared to last year’s hookup in Cozumel.

Memorial Day and the Mexicans

Sugar Skull Vader. Whoever designed this, rules.

It’s Memorial Day, and the good, freedom enduring nation America (also known as ‘Merica, Uh’Merica, & Freedom Cock Fighters) is doing what is does best—taking a massive vacation from white collar tasks and enlarging their beer bellies while near some body of water. Even the folks of Nebraska have found some way to dislodge their flyover communities from Tornado Ally, and cruise on down the Pacific Coast.

“What we do is just pray to our nation’s freedom loving Lord, God, and he builds us a sea to float our Bud Light cans in. We feel very blessed,” said Omaha native Jim. Not to be confused with any other Jim, Jimmy’s, James, Jamies, or Teds from the area.

However, Jim is not too pleased when rumors started to announce that neighboring nations, Canada and Mexico were also partaking in the festivities as well.

“This is ‘Merica’s day. We are supposed to remember and memorialize being a patriot! They didn’t fight the good wars we fought.”

When asked what the Good Wars were, Jim fell into an epileptic fit, while foaming at the mouth and repeating the word “terror” in seven different tongues. The pastor of his local church, who also happens to be his nieghbor proceeded to keep the demons at bay while trying to help calm the rabid local from seccumbing to what is known as a freedom shock; or when an individual is full of so much patriotism, their mind shuts down from the stress of having to comprehend an opposing viewpoint. His pastor comforted, and while gracefully petting his head, state that “All wars are bad warsm, unless we win. Then it’s just God’s work, and God is Good.” Ergo, Good War.

Jim is right about this though. Mexico fights their own drug war while holding our economy hostage by taking American Jobs. And Canada only supplies bacon and maple syrup to American troops fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq, so they’re really only fighting to feed hungry mouths. Because of this, many individuals are finding offense to the news that our neighbors are inviting themselves over to our barbeques and drinking all the beer that was on sale.

May is a wonderful month in this nation, and if not for Roman mythology, many Americans would have changed this to Hangover Month, or Hungtember. However the homosexual community found this to be confusing because Disney’s Gay Day’s usually occurs in the begining of June. Many Gay communities state that this will become too confusing, but they wish not to be anal about it. May however is still littered with holidays such as Memorial Day, Mother’s Day, Cinco De Mayo, Graduation Day—and has recently added two new holidays; May the Fourth and Revenge of the Sixth. These two days share the weekend with the long honored American made Mexican themed holiday to honor the great Sith Lord, Darth Vader.

The month originally was just a way to continue to boost floral sales after Valentine’s Day in February, all the birthdays in March, and then Easter in April. Mother’s Day was instituted and spring floral arranging has become quite the steady career choice, even allowing executives to give their employees Memorial Day off with paid time off. A collective in this nation however decided that the best way to honor Mothers even more was to honor their dead sons and daughters who served their country, promoting freedom with every eagle engraving fist punch.

“We forgot that this Great Nation originally instituted this day in remembrance of all the soldiers who died fighting their brethren in the Civil War, and of course all their distant global cousins in the wars to follow; and we decided that something should be done,” says Congressional Representative Paul Ryan, who earlier last year thought he could be Vice President.

“We don’t really take off for Mother’s day, and seeing as we don’t really have a federal day off in May yet, we decided that dead soldier would justify this decision. It’s truly a wonderful way to give our citizens a day off, while honoring something cool at the same time,” Ryan went on to add as he clicked out of Wikipedia during the interview.

Although the reasons Ryan stated are shared across the nation, except in liberal loving areas like Portland, Brooklyn, and Austin; civilians of this nation aren’t very contempt on the idea of Guacamole being mixed with our hot dogs and burgers.

“What the hell is an Avahcahdough?” stated Dallas native Billy Roberts. “Last time I checked the only thing green on a burger is lettuce and pickles, and freedom.”

When asked if he knew about the California burger, he was shocked to learn that southern California wasn’t actually a part of Mexico or the parking lot of Home Depot. Billy however did not suffer a freedom shock.

Jimmy, Paul, and Billy however all share a general consensus about American values. It’s safe to argue that no one is really pleased to hear that the Mexican nation, along with Canada, has taken the holiday known as Memorial Day, and turned it into an excuse to party holiday. Many Americans are convinced that the original intentions of the holiday will get convoluted amongst the empty red plastic cups, once full of hope, liquor, and beer.

Mexican native and American citizen, Pedro had this to say when asked why he celebrates Memorial Day:

“Well my brother served in Afghanistan. He was in the Army and was going to serve so he could pay for college when he gets out. He thought risking his life was a good trade off for free tuition.”

Unfortunately the trade off didn’t pay off and his brother, Jorge was killed last summer by a malfunctioning drone attack. Pedro goes on to add:

“Yeah he was killed by a freak insurgent attack. No one’s really sure what happened. They saw a seagull in the desert, thought it was weird, and then I think they saw their coffins. Either way, we all knew he wasn’t really cut out for homework or tests anyways.”

Pedro’s mother sits at the family dinner table and prepares her son’s favorite dish—spaghetti, in honor of his memory. The family gathers, says a prayer, and discusses all the memories that have of their lost family member.

When asked if he knew what his brother fought for (freedom, of course) Pedro had this to say:
“You know, I’m not really sure.”

Answers like this outrage true patriots like Paul Ryan, and Billy Roberts of Dallas, Texas who had this to say. Worries overcame the staff that more freedom shock would occur, but no such happened as Ryan responded while flipping a burger patty in Billabong Swim trunks:

“How dare a citizen of this nation take a holiday completely out of context and not understand its original intentions. It sickens me to think that these individuals, who did nothing to earn such heritage or freedom, could make a mockery of it and enjoy the benefits of eight hours paid time off, Miller Genuine Draft, and a chlorine cleaned pool. That is just pathetic.”

His sunglasses almost fell off, but luckily they were strapped to a piece of cloth suburban white men found popular in 1986. We’re still not sure how such an artifact was preserved in such fine quality.

We asked Pedro if this sounded contradictory in regards to Cinco De Mayo and the tequila shots lining the streets of all American bar strips alongside Coronas and he had this say:

“We don’t really celebrate Cinco De Mayo. Mexican Independence Day is September 16th, but I think we’re just going to change it to July 4th for less of a hassle.”