Today U.S. Military instillation’s are preparing for the largest attack ever reported. Sources state that a global offensive with joint cooperation from multiple agencies willing to chip in beer money, but mostly headed by the NSA, will be launch on July 3rd at exactly 11:59 pm. From the halls of bases in central Europe, to the shores of the Persian Gulf, mobile rocket launch systems are being prepared for the largest artillery raid of fireworks that nations across the world will have ever seen. Skies across the world will light up from Fourth of July Freedom Fireworks.
“We’re calling this Operation We’re Going to Bang the Shit Out of You, and we’re lighting the skies up with freedom,” stated Four Star General Keith B. Alexander, director of the National Security Agency. “We’re hoping to send the world into a euphoric, orgasmic frenzy as we light up the skies with freedom fireworks in celebration of our nations Independence Day.”
Rather than apologize to the American people for overlooking basic privacy rights, invading social media networks and collecting cell phone data in a propaganda fueled hunt for terrorists and control, Alexander and his agency have decided to show the world that we still know how to party. The assumption is that if U.S. armed forces “get it retarded up in here” then everyone will forget about General Alexander for being such a dick a few weeks ago.
“We fear nations across the world will potentially attack the U.S. cyber security systems and possibly cause a national catastrophe that would distract from Kardashian family breaking news. They happen to be a main contributor of gossip at patriotic barbecues,” states Gen. Alexander. “We have attacked Iranian nuclear plants with physically damaging malware and we’re afraid they will attempt to pathetically use technologies we already sold them against us.”
Militant officials plans are to “woo” foreign nations with a marvelous fireworks display that’s borderlines romantic, while feeding you beers all day on an empty stomach so they can lay you down and touch your private parts.
Many Americans believe that rather than addressing the issues regarding national security and individual privacy rights, the population assumes that if we can party hard with the world while pulling off the most orgasmic fireworks display this side of Disney, then perhaps we won’t have to worry about any national threats because they’ll be too scared we won’t invite them back next year.
Meanwhile on the front lines, military personnel are setting up grills and putting on the highest U.V. protecting sunglasses available in preparation for the world’s largest wiener roast. While waiting in line for spicy brown mustard, we asked an Iraqi citizen if he was excited for the fireworks show tonight. We couldn’t understand a single word he was saying and assumed he was condemning us to a Jihad. So we shot a few firework at him, baptizing him in freedom trails of potassium nitrate. He went out with a bang and so will our rights but we’re not too worried if the NSA doesn’t call us back. They’ll see in our text messages to our girlfriends how small they were compared to last year’s hookup in Cozumel.