Twenty One Reasons “28 Reasons Why You’re Better Off Not Having Kids” Is Fucking Stupid.

A response to Adam Ellis’s Buzzfeed post “28 Reasons Why You’re Better Off Not Having Kids”

1. If an individual is to argue the validity of an idea, a skeleton structure is of no means a tangible source of announcing the argument; i.e. by listing “Twenty Eight Reasons Why Blank,” such an individual would have sundered off any researchable insight which should be included when developing an argument. One should not merely state, but provide pertinent data that substantiates their claim. This is not to say the individual who presents such a thesis must academically research the topic for two years or more, but you can’t spell your name without at least having fucking read it prior.

2. The fact that I’m beginning a list in order to communicate though a lower means for an audience I may believe is incapable of foddering for mental stimulation because of a growing epidemic of digital media trends pathetically understands in some relative means, is beginning to elevate my blood-pressure and really annoy the fuck out of me.

3. To state you know “twenty eight reasons why your life will be better off without children” is to state as well “I am a selfish individual of the global human condition and rather than understand my basic biology, I will transcend this traditional trend of existence and live by my own misguided conscious understanding.” If you don’t wish to have children, this is fine; all individuals are entitled to their own free will* interpretations and engage on the linear details to follow in a sentient existence. However by not integrating oneself into the cycle of childbirth, an individual has severed their self from the perpetual growth of the human race. However, this statement does discount the argument of biological inadequacies amongst effected individuals. By not integrating also means by not solving problems involved with childbearing, leading to argument number four.

4. Though the basic biology of a human being is to procreate and reproduce, there are genetic and biological differences and abnormalities that can prevent certain individuals from fully integrating into the cycle of childbirth, e.g.: endometriosis, genetic mutations, sterile and/or infertile, etc. Individuals suffering from such complexities have a multitude of options available to solve the above issues, such as fucking adoptions.

5. Reasons number one and two in the article are not distinct, different reasons. Reason two regarding the idea of embarking on naps freely is in direct correlation to the argument of sleep cycle regulations in regards to aligning with children. Sleep schedules are of utmost importance in order to maintain a proper homeostasis and health, and yes, newborn babies have a very radical sleeping cycle in the first months following birth, but this actually counter argues the idea of napping freely. Newborn children after the first two-three months according to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics on the consolidation of newborn sleep patterns, were reported to have slept well through the night and regulated quicker to the conveniently standard 10:00pm–6:00am schedule (Jacqueline M. T. Henderson). Furthermore, because many newborns up until toddler age require daily naps for proper development, this greatly increases the chances of an adult or participating in the same activity. By “napping freely” an individual has the greater chance or affecting an actual nights sleep thereby altering a natural sleep cycle and effecting healthy states of existence. See the arguments of Free Will for further interpretation.

6. Reason three can be interpreted as an individual may curse freely around the house but not indicate the means as to why an individual would do such. Further parameters must be detailed to fully understand the context of this argument. Does the individual have a lack of communicative skills or suffer from some speech disorder? Does the individual lack the abilities to obtain an extensive vocabulary? Furthermore, what defines curse words, societal norms?**

7. Reason four in regarding the argument of depression associated with parenting I ask readers to investigate this article as opposed to the WebMD source provided:
http://www.jad-journal.com/article/S0165-0327(10)00674-9/abstract
an alternative link:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21112641

8. Reason number five is a valid argument under false pretenses.
Stress causes agony.
Childbirth causes stress.
Therefore childbirth is agony.
Childbirth causes the body to explode.
Explosions are caused by an immediate release of stored energy.
Therefor childbirth is a nuclear reactor.
Logically this is incorrect because the body is a self-maintaining organism. The author in this case may be argued furthermore as a “fucking idiot.”

9. Reason number six argues against the sole purpose of reason for the article. Why would another individuals children remain “fun and cute” if the purpose of the article is to argue against the means of any individual integrating themselves into parenting? Are some children better than others? Are some individuals intended to have children against others? What qualifies these parameters?

10. Reasons number seven states an individual with children can never have a drink of white wine during NighttimeTM. Author is unclear about the trademark value of “nighttime” thereby inciting a fury of further investigative questions. No conclusive studies can be found with a simple internet search to substantiate this claim.

11. Reason number eight is correlated with the stress of raising children. See arguments against reason number four in argument number seven of this publication.

12. Reason number nine does not state if whether the ends of the means of private defecation are inclusive to only parents with children. What about adults who may be in an environment surrounded by children not of their own? What about adults surrounded by other adults? What about adults surrounded by animals? Clarification needed.

13. Reasons ten, eleven, and twelve are not distinct separate arguments, and all correlate with the idea of a published article provided by the author. The author failed to interpret that there are thousands of factors that could greatly affect the monetary requirements of raising a child and assumes all individuals reading the article have acquired the monetary means to afford such extravagant actions. Again see the argument of Free-Will.

14. Reason number thirteen suggests all readers either participate in the application Seamless or suffer from raging tantrums. Does the author believe individuals are incapable of adhering to a mature mindset in which they mentally and physically cannot control outbursts caused from an emotional disapproval of an action?

15. Reason number fourteen should be omitted. Any human existing on this planet can easily come in contact with a bodily fluid on a microscopic scale on a daily basis. One must assume the author doesn’t go outside much.

16. Reasons fifteen and sixteen are not distinct and directly correlate with one another. Author also assumes that if a reader has owns, or possess a desire to obtain such furniture. Furthermore the author assumes the reader is incapable of simply acquiring cleaning tools in an effort to rid extravagant furniture from “smudgy prints.” The author also failed to include fingerprints and dust left behind by the adult themselves on their furniture.

17. Reason number seventeen argues there is no such thing as a washing machine or a surplus of clothing available.

18. Are you, the author a “fucking idiot”? Why would you even fucking think of something like that when you’re poor when there are hundreds of other things to consider? Health-care, food, housing, transportation, work, etc.

19. Reason number nineteen believes the adoption of a pet (or a houseplant, really? Are you that fucking stupid?) can help solve loneliness. Loneliness can be contributed as a symptom of depression, which should be taken into serious consideration; regardless of being a parent or not. An individual experiencing symptoms of loneliness should consult a doctor to find treatment options and prevent any further developments of depression.

20. Reason twenty is in direct correlation to reason number six and argument number nine of this publication.

21. Reasons twenty-one through twenty-eight are all such pathetic attempts at justifying the point of the article that the author failed to incite one valid argument; the nature of the universe.

The universe operates on a scale of rules that are, for a greater portion, unfathomable to humans. Are basic biology is for the reproduction of the species. Given the grandeur of the universe itself, to argue the purpose of humanities existence is to itself attempt to argue the purpose of the universe. Because no purpose can be solidified, one must assume that all attempts to identify a solid reasoning are futile given the outstanding operations of the universe itself. Therefor, having children is pointless. Even if humanity manages to escape the planet and the death of the Sun, its safe to say that humanity would only prolong the inevitable death that lies ahead of everything. However to argue in such a way is to also argue against the sole basic composition of our humanity, growth. By not integrating oneself in the childbirth cycle, you are hindering not only humanities growth, but also your own. We are a social species and we cannot survive on selfishness. Same theory applies to the universe.

*This idea of free-will can be argued a thousand times over. For example, Hard-Determinist could argue against the ideas of free-will with casual determinism, the idea that cause is effect, thereby rendering an agent a subject of their own actions. Logical determinism (my personal favorite) states that all events of an agent are either true or false regardless of the measurements of time (past, present, future), thus allowing a mathematical equation to validate any moment of existence. All measurements of the future could only be concluded by measurements equated from the past and present. However on the other side you have Metaphysical Libertarians arguing theories such as the Non-causal theories in that an agent must act, or cause volition in order for events to start. E.g.: Is the Big Bang caused by kinetic developments of grand amounts of energy, or did someone(thing) hit a light switch and start all this bullshit?
**An interesting argument about curse words lies in the constructs of language itself. Words are compositions of letters constructed to allow for an immediate association of phonetic sounds. The word “fuck” for example can be interpreted as an association with sexual intercourse or to intensify selected statements, however if a new publication of the English dictionary were to simply interpret it as a means to intensify phrasing and only as such, then the profanity that lies behind the term is rendered useless. Thereby saying a phrase such as “the author of Twenty Eight Reasons Why You’re Better Off Never Having Kids is a fucking idiot,” cannot be interpreted as a slanderous term, but rather a scripted effort to intensify the idea that the author of the stated article is more than simply an idiot.

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Monsters

I hate scary movies.  I think they’re boring and a waste of time.  Highly predictable and full of the corniest archetypes Jung could ever concept.  Thanks to my ex I repeat her fathers theory; “they are bad for the soul.”

Yet I will go to sticky theaters and cover my finger tips with warm butter and giggle while anyone who I attend a showing with clinches in fear.  It’s the easiest way to manipulate a date into grabbing you.  If you fake a sigh, appear to be more concerned than frightened, making the first move will seem chivalrous.  Or if you’ve tagged along with roommates and friends who live for the thrill of being terrified, it’s the easiest way to laugh.  You seem brave and as fluid as a mountain while they shake like the rapids cutting through a canyon.

It’s so predictable.  I’d rather just watch a PIXAR movie.

Yet here I sit, looking at a monster drawing I created a few years ago.  Every stroke of the pencil and crayon is a feeling of terror, a hindered sense of fear I could not communicate.

Is this a self portrait?

Probably.  How predictable.

I spend my days thinking of past mistakes, regrets, obstacles that keep me from wanting to enjoy the moments before and after leaving the theater.  I read the news on the internet and then I have to spend thirty minutes looking up pictures of puppies and adorable smooshed faces to assure myself that we’re not all going to hell.  Surely we just live in it.  This is how I can fall asleep easily at night when my date decides to go home and all my friends are tucked away.  The ideas of evil are bigger than me and yet I try to relate to them  as if they’re just fog while my head floats in the clouds.  I try to stay grounded.  I argue that’s why my mattress rests solely on the ground withing a wooden boxed frame.  Or perhaps its because all the worst bedtime stories start with monsters under the bed.

So without further adieu  here is a flash fiction piece.  Enjoy and sleep easy.  Find your warmth, your comfort.

Lullaby

There is a monster underneath all our beds.  Causing a commotion, he stirs beneath our dreams.  The monster needs the bread and butter on the dinner table; we are not the only ones who must fill hungry mouths or festering families.

Hesitantly, he (or she) punches in on their time card, and then ducks down to wait.  Their sharp horns don’t poke through the mattresses, or uncoil the springs we rest upon, but as they reach their thick furry hands out from under and grasp onto our sleeping skin, if feels as though we’ve only begun to walk on carpet.  Down the stairs, skipping on cold tile floor, then out the door and into fresh air we go.

The monster is eager for the day to end and to meet leisure time face to face.  They know what it looks like, but can never remember a detail if you ask.  A lunch packed with commodities commemorating capitalism, its critical crescendo; they are living the American dream.

Then they go home.

The nuclear family waits beyond the doorsteps of a cookie-cutter house.  It’s a good neighborhood.  White picket fences are replaced by tiny yards of St. Augustine grass that stain the children’s denim.  Junior and Little Miss are breaking the seams of their attire as they skyrocket to the clouds; splitting legs and fractions while building an allowance in their bellies.

The monsters under our beds cook, clean, compromise and collaborate with their significant others over meal times, school times, soccer practice times, and leisure times.  Friday nights are reserved for love making.  The monster and their significant other get dirty and clean their piping.  They don’t plan on falling asleep from the half empty bottle of merlot, but they down it so they can muster the courage to flirt with each other again.

Then the kids come home.

Milking the weekend, Monday comes faster.  Mundane monstrosities is what we have now.  401k’s. Stock option purchase plans.  Healthcare.  Mortgage.  Insurance.  Credit.  Debt.  Retirement at the age of 60/65.  10,950 days later and each day was the same 9-5 with its highlights.

The raise with option to cash out on paid vacation days never taken.

The significant other says she’s getting a promotion.

Junior got good grades.

Little Miss sang in the recital, with beauty and class.

But then the monster gets another promotion.  Upper management.  How else can he secure the nightmare that is the American dream?

The significant other has doubts.  Second honeymoon?  Maybe.  But after all, that would be dipping into the savings.  What if someone gets sick?  What about college?  What if?  What if?  What if?

Junior started drinking.  It’s hereditary.  An individual’s chances are seven times higher if the parents drink.  But it was always one scotch to unwind from paper pushing all day, never an ism.

Little Miss found a bad boy.  He had filthy tattoos and played in a rock band.  They look for men who have the same qualities as their father.  When she’s crying up all night it’s because he’s not there.

Then everyone leaves the home.

Sitting at his oak office table, the monster contemplates.  The promotion took him out of the cubicle and earned him a panoramic view of the city.  He watched all the ants scurry below him, frying and eviscerating their existence under the wavy heat rays of the sun.  Their shadows were burned into the sidewalk.  A fire started in the streets and the smoke billowed up into the tower.  The fresh air was too clean and the office chose asphyxiation and emphysema instead.  But they have a decent HMO.  A good life plan payout is included in the benefits package.

The significant other found strong pectorals to grace her withering fingers across.  She felt young again when time found her sexy once more through the years.

Junior smashed face first into a light pole but survived only to stutter on his t’s.  He thinks the mother betrayed them, so he and the monster finally become best friends.  They drink scotch together and he tries not to mess up his new management position given to him at the tower.

Little Miss got pregnant from the bad boy.  He has filthy tattoos.  She sends the monster pictures of a budding beast, his fury little head.  My goodness, they grow so fast.  She blames the monster, gets jealous at the abs the significant other dribbles her nails across, then bitches about Junior’s stumbling.  But she gets Single Mother of the Year awarded to her by her second grade son’s macaroni painting.

Here’s the midlife crisis, addressed as a memo on the desk.  Buy a sports car to feel younger, weigh down those wilting eye lids and roll into a ditch; like son, like father.  Or just blow your brains out over the cover letter so your boss sees how you truly bleed for the company?  On the desk is a picture of a little gremlin the monster barely visits, but wishes he could.  He is an artist Little Miss shushes at night.  She tucks him tightly into his bed and reads Where the Wild Things Are and Shel Silverstein poems.  The munchkin is petrified of the monsters under his bed.