At approximately 11:09 a.m. eastern standard time, on June 12th, within the confines of a Mimi’s Café dining room located in one of the Southern states of the U.S., four young men were seized and arrested by government officials for what law officials are stating as “threats against the nation.”
“The four young men were very nice,” says innocent bystander Gretchen, who for her personal safety will not be fully named. “They all said excuse me when they walked by and kept the swearing down. My old ears don’t work well, but they do hear dirty words.”
Gretchen wasn’t the only hag in the restaurant when police officials entered through the rear of the famous French-style café. Many law enforcement officers were wearing full riot gear and were armed to the T with tear gas and full body shields. A few officers even sported French paper-thin mustaches to blend into the scenery while standing in black body armor along the pewter shade walls and empty wine bottles.
The four young men are currently being held at a high-security prison with no bail and are under arrest for using the word terrorist in a text message.
With the current whistleblower situation over the NSA, and the highly anticipated release of the Xbox One, many people in the general public speculate that programs like PRISM, along with the government’s ability to access personal internet data freely, and the use of the Kinect motion sensor as a stealth camera to spy on anyone stupid enough to sit in front of their television, allowed for the successful arrest and apprehension of the four suspects.
According to an anonymous law official who headed up the investigation, multiple agencies were involved with the arrests of the four young men. The FBI, CIA, and select NSA agents helped coordinate the highly complex and successful investigation that lead to the arrests. The program known as PRISM was also used in pinpointing the four men in making the arrest as well as finding an extensive porn browsing history to allow for blackmail in court.
“It took multiple agencies to set this up properly and I would like to thank all agencies that were involved. Including, but not excluding all internet data companies that allowed us to infiltrate the young men’s internet history. Thank you Google, thank you Facebook, and thank you Verizon. We’re all bros here.”
Inquiry first started when NSA officials first intercepted a text message through an automated filtering program operated under a joint CIA coalition of monitoring incoming cell phone data.
The intercepted conversation follows below:
“The key word was Terrorist here,” said a random FBI official. “This is what we looked for in our searching of CIA computers to make sure there were no internal threats. Upon finding this text message in the CIA internal databases, we then initiated a joint task venture with the NSA to infiltrate CIA headquarters and find the source of the message.”
However when FBI officials showed up, NSA officials had then learned that the text message had been filtered through and found in FBI servers upon hearing CIA officials had first intercepted the message.
“We just got tired of pointing fingers and decided to act together, finally,” spoke an individual with common sense who is a receptionist at the NSA. “I was asked to get coffee and denied access to the investigation when I told everyone they could work together.”
Once the three agencies finally agreed to apprehend the suspects together, they informed local law enforcement official who then supplied them the man power over the coordinated arrests.
Initially all three agencies had no idea what to do. A joint task coalition was then formed to allow for the three agencies to successfully communicate with one another to plan.
“We knew the suspects were going to eat brunch, but we weren’t sure where. After hours of investigation and paper trail following, we gained access to the two young men’s Facebook accounts to find out what they liked,” said the head of the NSCFBIA (the National Security Central Federal Intelligence Agency) coalition team who will remain anonymous to ensure public safety.
“We noticed they like the Miami Heat, Call of Duty, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell Movies. The two actors have been taken into questioning as well while we plan the investigation for trial. However after gaining access, we still were unable to determine where the young men would be ‘meeting’ for brunch or what ‘brunch’ would exactly entail. Based off of Foursquare, Twitter, and Instagram accounts, we assumed they would meet at World of Beer and that Mimi’s was just another terrible incident of what is known as damn you autocorrect.”
With dozens of World of Beer’s spanning across the country, no one was still sure where the two men would be meeting.
Thanks in great part to the success of PRISM, federal agents were finally able to pinpoint where the young men were finally going to meet for brunch.
Lead CIA investigator to the Coalition of Investigating on behalf of the NSA had this to say at the press conference that followed:
“Because of programs like PRISM, we were able to access the suspect’s phone and internet data without a warrant or any form of due process. What we found was the suspect had a complicated search history of wonderful POV pornography, ‘rape-sloth’ meme’s, PS4 release prices, and a Google search of directions to Mimi’s Café. This fast break allowed us to quickly infiltrate the correct restaurant, and refrain from making a grave investigation error.”
As soon as the young men parked, law enforcement official began surrounding the building in anticipation of a firefight.
“They used a dangerous word that threatens the safety of the nation in a standard text message. We took all necessary steps in aims to prevent any kind of extreme catastrophe,” said the Police Chief who recently tore off the letter A from his America patch located on his uniform.
Shortly after ordering coffee, it’s understood that one of the suspects confirmed the text message to a fellow assailant who was already waiting with another friend for the two investigated suspects to show up. How this slipped past Federal agents is mind boggling and begs to ask if security laws are strong enough and should be less transparent.
“When the suspect stated “brah, the terrorist joke,” all agents and officials were given the green light to intercept and make the arrest. Four officers, who will be anonymously distinguished, each individually drop kicked the suspects, then apprehended them for the arrest,” said NSA guy number 137.
During the press conference, when Federal Lead Agent of the NSCFBIA spoke the word terrorist to reporters, he was then drop kicked and arrested by local law officials who arrested him on charges of “threats against the nation.”
“After gaining access of his blackberry and email accounts, we were able to intercept a press conference speech his assistant typed up. We are now searching for the assistant to bring him into custody for questioning,” stated local Police Chief, ‘Merica as he liked to be called.